The BIG TEST

Yes today the GNOMEMOBILE went for the BIG IPO INSPECTION, dedicated test centre for matriculation, re-registering of vehicles in Portugal. Frightening almost as big for a car as having a heart transplant!!!!!! Very busy on arrival but lucky have a booking for 10am 5 bays loads of technicians, cars, vans, lorries keep coming, parking & queueing. Our turn, please lift the bonnet, double check all the numbers, engine, chassis, body. thats nice start all ticked correct. Another technician strolls over Mrs GNOME WILL HAVE TO ENLIGHTEN HERSELF FROM THE CAR, in he gets, off he goes into 1 of the bays, me following quickly asking can i stay & HOLD THE WHEEL OR STROKE THE BONNET. Test part 1, the exhaust strobe entered, revs up 3 times, a little smoke ( next bay much newer Mercedes belching out BLACK CLOUDS), THAT LOOKS REASSURING FOR US). Part 2, 10 yards forward, lights test. Part 3 roller brake test, that looks good, younger technician, comes over, in broken English, you must have rear mud flaps, its the law for any car older then 1993, a tip he says the bottom of the flap must be level with the lowest part of the body, obrigard amigo. Part 4 over the pit, off TECHNICIAN 1 goes down the stairway, the older 1 still in the car, running now on vibration pads testing the suspension & shock absorbers, lot of shouting from below, older 1 gets out, asks me to get in & keep the brakes ON, oops worry worry, now they have jacked up the car & it feels as if its being rocked from side to side by a gang of men. The older 1 reappears, can´t tell anything by the look on his face, explains he wants me to go out exit, drive around front & back into bay 5 for co2 test, yeh sure enough there he is flapping his arms & whistling to show me where he wants us. Back onto another roadroller, up with the bonnet electrical clamp onto the ABS system younger 1 into car,building up the revs, roller system speeding up, seems as if they are trying to take off ( BIG WALL IN FRONT !!!) lots of figures changing on screen, once again a 3 time test, poor old car, still not a single glimmer or expression as to if its passing/failing O.K. take it out park over there & wait, ( eh ,wait... its like an expectant father waiting). After about 10 minutes the young 1 comes over ( as i am PACING in the sunshine), it will be about 20 minutes as he has to put all the readings into the computer to work out if its all O.K. Oh well it can only be pass or fail!!! ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE. Go & see Wendy sat in the waiting room no visiting hours here!!! Eventually the older 1 comes thro the back into the office, standing by the printing m/c, maybe hes printing out the certificate, or maybe its a notification of FAILURE. Hello hes beckoning me with his finger, lots of paperwork, tells me i need to put this (pointing) at the matriculation disc in my window straight away, YIPPEE SHES PASSED!!!!! but wait he needs to tell me something else,.............., i will need to get new test in October, because new law says car must be tested on its BIRTHDAY!!!!! no problem, only ordinary test then like MOT. THE DISC IS IN THE WINDOW BEFORE YOU CAN SAY jacklflash, off down the road to home, the GNOMEMOBILE TRIUMPHS ONCE MORE.